I usually write when I’m at work but I still feel like venting so I shall.
You ever have those days where everything just seems to be happening around you but you’re just there. Aware of it all… That was my day today.
I found out some crazy news that I haven’t even begun to process and I’m still reeling from my own insane feelings. It just makes me wonder: Are we all going crazy some way or another?
Are other girls/guys feeling the same shit that I feel sometimes? I tell myself that I shouldn’t sweat the little things. But what makes these things little? We all have our own problems dammit. Some maybe bigger than others, but they are our own obstacles nonetheless. What do have in common with each other is that we have them. These “problems”. These day-to-day issues that we need to deal with.
Me right now, I’m dealing with my future. I’ve been in this rut for over a year now and I pray everyday that I find some kind of light along the way.
I’m dealing with my shitty love-life where I may or may not be in love with a guy who has a girlfriend. What the fuck is love though? How do we know we’re in it? I thought I was in love once before, but now I seriously question it.
This clusterfuck of a weekmust be a sign of the times right? I mean don’t we all kind of panic as the year is ending? Is this where we start to evaluate all of our faults and accomplishments throughout the year? God, I have no idea. I’m going crazy I tell you. I know I’m not alone in this. There has to be at least one other person freaking out about their future. Anyway I should end this. I’ve also had a loaded tequila infused drink (or two at my friend’s house)- I’m pretty sure it’s causing these feelings to bubble up on the double.
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I really do post too much about Tom Hardy on my Facebook , Twitter, and Instagram. When I bought Lawless yesterday and posted about it people said: “You would”.
Can you blame a girl for loving a man as beautiful as he?
Another fun fact about me: I don’t share celebrity crushes. No. Seriously, I get mad at other girlfriends when they say Tom Hardy is a stone cold fox. I’ll give them a death stare and counter with: “Hands off. Baby daddy is mine!”
I need help. Sola para siempre.
Yesterday I ditched my class to just drive around for almost two hours. I must be crazy doing something like that since gas is ridiculously expensive lately. But I honestly just wanted time to myself and I can’t do that at home (I also really didn’t want to go to class). I drove all the way to my old private high school neighborhood. For some reason, whenever I want to drive somewhere, I always end up driving around that city. It could be all of the rolling hills and big houses, or it could be that the streets are dark and allow me to just be one with the road and myself (cheesy, I know).
So I just drove and drove. There was music playing but I wasn’t listening. I was just thinking about what is going on in my life, what is going to end up happening. I thought about how shitty my love-life has always been and wonder if maybe I’m just doomed to live in limbo. I thought about how I’m 26 and still working at an entry-level job. I thought about how unfair it is that my parents are struggling again given all of the sacrifices they have made throughout the years. I should somehow be helping – I mean I am. But I wish I could do more than just help them with the little pay that I get.
I also thought about all the good stuff too. I thought about how much I love my family and how much closer we’ve gotten due to my grandpa’s hospitalization over the last few months. I congratulated myself on my goal of becoming healthier and more conscious of my fitness level. I thanked goodness for the friends that I have and have made along the way. My friend Karol has made me grow in way that I never thought possible. I thought about how lucky I am – that even though I do have an entry-level job, I have a JOB whereas so many others are still looking.
Drive reminded me that I still have so much more that I need to work on. I am so disappointed in the way certain things are turning out. I asked myself: “What am I doing?”
WHAT AM I DOING
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It’s story time! So during my dark times (aka when I was getting over my heartbreak last winter), I started going out a little more and distracting myself. In January I met this guy, I’ll name him “Gee”. We actually had known each other for a while because we went to the same elementary school, only he was 2 years older than me. I was feeling a little bold and we decided to give it the old college try and hang out. Our first “date” was okay, I mean we had never really hung out alone before so it was mainly a getting-to-know-you outing. In my eyes, he was adorable with his screen tee, hipster glasses, and page boy cap. We hit it off immediately and continued to hang out. I decided to keep up with my newfound boldness and we officially started dating- I guess. We weren’t together, we definitely hadn’t DTR’d (that’s define the relationship) but we definitely were seeing each other. As we kept hanging out, there were things about Gee that attracted me to him: we loved watching movies and criticizing them, we liked books and comics, sarcasm, were old souls, and loved food. We liked to do new things so we tried new places all the time. It was fun, I was having fun and Heartbreaker was becoming a distant memory. Gee helped me break out of this weird shell I was in. I was over the whole dating scene and after I finally let Heartbreaker go, I was petrified to let someone else in.
Then I started to see the not-so-attractive things… Gee was great on paper. He was funny and willing to try new things but he was also very narrow-minded. Kind of an oxy-moron isn’t it? I noticed that he didn’t like his family and spoke about them with such dislike. He felt superior to them. He felt superior to a lot of things and that really bothered me. I also noticed that he got himself into such a rut since graduating college; he was working unhappily at a dead-end job. To me, ambition means everything. If you studied to be somebody, then BE somebody, don’t complain about it. This guy HATED his job (later to be fired btw) and yet didn’t do anything about it. He also, got irritated with me for the weirdest things to the point where he made me feel self-conscious. His negativity was a huge turn-off and it was getting harder to try and cheer him up on his bad days. Gee’s final demise was when he insulted my friends and got mad at ME for the whole situation. You know what I did? What every normal 26 year old does when they want to break up with someone. Ignore them until they get the picture. Okay, I know it’s not really the way it’s supposed to go down but the dude deserved it. I forced him to sit back and really think about his actions and why I decided to just cut ties. We still remain friends and he hits me up from time to time, but I’ve chosen to keep my distance.
Going out with Gee, I realized a lot of things about myself. I found that I’m a lot bolder than I thought and that really don’t have to settle. I mean, I know my situation right now is beyond messed up and I’m nowhere near where I want to be when it comes to a relationship but I don’t know…everything seems to be coming together. A part of me feels like I’m setting myself up for another heartbreak, but the thing is- we can’t live in fear because of the pain it may cause in the long run. If we couldn’t take heartbreak, we wouldn’t be human. We wouldn’t fall in love.
Anyway, that’s the Gee story. He was fun while it lasted. I hope he finds what he’s looking for and that he comes out of that rut. I would wish that for anyone.
I think this is the only thing on tumblr I feel compelled to reblog every time it comes up on my dash.
They don’t make them like that anymore.
Except maybe the Franco brothers…
It’s that hour. The one where I get antsy and want those 60 minutes to pass quicker than the speed of light. I’m talking about the hour between me and my lunch break. One may think, “wow this chick is a fatty”, but come on we’ve all been there before. Some of us have had breakfast over 6 hours ago, some of us haven’t even breaked at all (GASP!). I am a woman of schedule and structure when it comes to my eating habits and that lunch hour is the most dear hour (besides going home, of course) of everyday of the week. You see, I not only get to warm up delicious left overs or a nicely made Sammy and soup, I also get to sit alone – undisturbed. During that hour, I get to do what everyone (don’t lie) loves to do: eat and lounge. I disappear into the quiet break room – I chose my hour to be at a time no one breaks – take my ipad and catch up on my stories. Yes, my stories – it can be 2 half-hour episodes (parks and Rec, New Girl, Go On, Family Guy, The Office) or a one hour drama (Once Upon a Time, Grey’s, Glee, Emily Owens…). There are even weeks that I chose a Netflix movie and finish is slowly throughout the week. Ah, my lunch hour is the best hour. And now, thanks to you Tumblr, I have spent about 20 minutes writing about said wondrous time; which only means I have 40 minutes left. What to do, what to do. Oh yes, I guess work. Until then!
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Man last weekend was crazy. Some of the things I get myself into are laughable. I think what is happening is that I’m either really out of focus with my shit or I’m making up for my sheltered college years. I mean yeah I went out when I was in college and yes I partied, but it wasn’t your typical college experience. I don’t know what it is, but my life right now is so upside-down. I’m not knocking it though, it is what it is. What happens to me is a product of my decisions and I’ve learned how to deal with it. I am tired about talking about the same thing time and again.
So last weekend was supposed to be relaxing, with no plans and no outings scheduled. Friday night I decided to stay in with my cousin despite being invited to a birthday party in downtown LA (my favorite place to go out ever). It was nice hanging out with him and just really geeking out about Halo, basketball, and Eddie Murphy Stand-Up. It was actually a nice Friday night in until he came over. Yeah him, the Kryptonite to my Superman. A little part of me knew that he would end up there that night (which is why I semi curled my hair – sue me) but it was late and I had already assumed he was just going to go home. He shows up looking like a tool in a preppy ass outfit and yet he starts to make fun of everything I’m wearing head to toe. I know he’s just doing it on purpose to get a rise out of me so I try to ignore his jabs as much as I can. Something was definitely different that night. He was aggressive and he kept grabbing my legs and trying to tickle me. It was totally working and as much as I HATED to admit it, I loved every bit of it. Later that night, we were all lying around watching TV and he grabs my hand. Look, it just wasn’t normal. We were very physical without being physical. He fell asleep with his arm around my whole body and the more I tried to move away, the tighter he held me. I played with his hair until he fell asleep and begged my inner self to keep it together. I could have told him to stop and push him away, but I loved every bit of it. For those few moments in time I was happy. I am always happy when I’m with him. It’s frustrating because I can’t help it. It’s a helpless involuntary action.
But wait. There’s more. Saturday, as if I didn’t spend enough time with them, we hung out the entire day. I was invited by some friends to Old Town Pasadena that night and I invited them to tag along (forgetting completely that at the end of the day, he has a girlfriend). By the time I find out that she’s coming, it’s too late. I’m upset, because my feelings are in it now. I can’t help but be jealous of something that I don’t have. Again, I get slapped in the face with the reality of what I’ve been doing. I end up getting way too drunk and make-out with a guy friend that’s had a crush on me. I did it as a distraction to show him that I’m not bothered by his relationship. I still lose though… I now feel guilt for using my friend, and I feel – I don’t know – I feel slutty.
This isn’t me. This isn’t who I’d thought I’d be when I was 16 years old and never been kissed. But I keep thinking with my emotions and not logically. If I could wish away feelings, I would wish away the ones that have bubbled up and over because of this guy. I frustrate myself everyday thinking about it. So yesterday I decided that I’m going to “disappear” for a little bit I think up until the holidays. I’m not going to go out and I’m going to focus on bettering myself. I’m losing sight of what’s really important to my life. Maybe I’ve just been hanging out with him too much and I need to separate myself for a bit. If that means that I have to bury myself into a hole, then so be it. For the next few weeks, I’m either going to be studying, watching the latest movie, or working out. That’s it. Enough of my bullshit. Time to let it go.
When you get to your mid twenties, you are almost always hooking up with someone’s ex.
My father, forever and always putting things into perspective (via datebynumbers)
A thousand truths were said in one sentence. Damn.
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Man, last week was so emotional. I was looking back at all of my previous posts and it’s a hot mess. After this weekend though, I realized that I shouldn’t be sweating the little things. I took a step back and realized that everyone is freaking out about something. Everyone is at fork in the road trying to decide which way to go. There is so much confusion about everything. My friend is in love with someone who lives literally across the world. She’s struggling with distance, her master’s program, AND looking for a new job. Another friend is dealing with the loss of a family member and a break-up with her boyfriend of 7 years. I sat back yesterday when all my friends were over and I really saw the worry in their eyes. I felt that “what’s going to happen next?” feeling at the pit of their stomach. Taking a few steps back like I did last night really opened my eyes. I’m not the only one that’s going through a crazy time and I’m alone in this. Yes, some people’s problems or issues may be a little more dramatic than others, but at the end of the day we are all struggling to find that happiness.
I realized that I’m in it deep with this guy. It’s something that I know I have to deal with eventually. The reckless acts that we have been doing are no good for me. He knows where my values lay, and yet we keep doing things we are not supposed to. A part of me thinks that he does have feelings for me. I want to believe it. But are these actions ruining something that could actually work? I was ready to just let it go – and I will – when I’m ready. Right now I’m just relieved to know that not alone in this confusion called life. Mistakes are being made left and right but I take it as lessons being learned. Ultimately I want to be a happily married woman and I think that my rush for that is making me a little impatient. This impatience is causing me to do stupid things. Stupid because I am fully aware of what I’m doing and yet I still go through with it. A year ago I would have never thought that I would be in the position that I’m in right now. It’s just nuts.
“When the truth-giving spirit comes, he will show you everything that is true. He will not speak his own message, but he will tell you the things that he has been told to tell you. He will tell you what is going to happen”
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